one good thing every day

A series of diary entries, 2022-2023. A disorganized but somewhat coherent flurry of thoughts about people - how much you can hate them, fear them, love them, and how much it hurts when they leave - all through the eyes of a pseudo-optimist fifteen-year-old girl.

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Thursday, December 8, 2022 - i’m getting bitter aren’t i

i think i’m done with people. i have no more patience. everything pisses me off. stop holding my hand. i hate the feeling of your cold hands sliding across my arm to meet mine. it’s disgusting. 

don’t tap me on the arm. don’t touch me. don’t fucking touch me. i hate it when you tap me to get my attention. i hate it when anyone does that. 

am i getting bitter

why does that guy think he can hang around my friends? why does he think he gets to be in the same room as me? the earth would be better off without him there wasting space. i hate people so damn much. 

why does the teacher repeat every word she says even though we’ve already shut up? i hate her. i hate people who unnecessarily waste their breath. 

my best friend - he’s someone i still have positive emotions for. even though he comes to me with his problems all the time i don’t feel as annoyed as i thought i would be. it’s genuine concern that comes through. i think i really do pray for the best for him. he just needs to know how to let go. i just can’t help but sugarcoat things to let him down slowly. 

i’m so done with letting people down slowly.

why am i sitting in a mcdonald’s bathroom when i could be in the gym of the school having fun like everyone else? 

what am i even doing?

the music is loud in here. there’s a group of loud girls. i’m praying that they leave. every time they come and shake the door i get cold chills. what if they find me? what if they see me? i don’t know what i’m trying to accomplish. i just need more time by myself like this. i feel calm.

it’s cold in here.

Wednesday, December 28, 2022 - i think i suck at love

i wonder if people ever get sick of letting me down. it’s really funny how people are so blind. i would do anything for them. would they not do one thing for me? one ounce of effort? why am i still excited to receive a text message? i don’t want to go outside and meet him today. i can’t express all my feelings over art so i have to resort to words. i hate words. they’re so difficult to understand. i want to lie in bed and do nothing. it’s so cold today. i don’t want to get out and study. i want to sleep. i don’t want to wake up. everything is worse out here. i hate people. 

i don’t want it to get to the point where i start making excuses for him. i thought he was such an amazing person. i thought he had no faults. after hearing stories about him i don’t know what to think. i don’t want him to be another letdown. but it seems to be the only emotion anyone else can hold for me. 

it’s so wonderful to be in love. i don’t have enough emotional capacity to take it. 

Friday, January 20, 2023 - when was the last time i slept through the night?

i stay awake at night because i’m unsatisfied with how my day went. i can’t keep my eyes open anymore. i’m so tired every morning. i don’t want to burn out already. i can feel my grades slipping from stellar. my average is going to drop. i can feel it.

but it’s ok. as long as i have one good thing that made me happy today i can’t say that i’ve had a bad day. at least not completely. he made me happy today. he got me a cookie from subway. he gave me good luck on my culminating. 

he seems out of it these days. i’m not sure how to talk to him. our relationship is bonded solely and utterly by video games. are we really so shallow now?

Monday, February 6, 2023 - one good thing every day

is it weird that i want to be vulnerable in front of him?

but he’s going to get tired of me crying all the time. 

why did i say those things when i should’ve been silent? i can’t say anything because my stories aren’t my own anymore. 

one good thing every day. one good thing. if there’s one thing that made me smile today, it’s a good day. i can’t call it a bad day if i smiled. i just need

one good thing every day.

i didn’t even notice the months passing by so fast. has it really been so long since we met? i flip through the pages of the diary and see how many months have passed. have i known him long enough to be allowed to want to be his favourite?

Thursday, February 16, 2023 - i am never indifferent

it makes me laugh how i sometimes wonder why i’m emotionally unavailable. don’t you see my sister’s outbursts? doesn’t she think it’s embarrassing? one of us is too emotional so the other has to be the opposite. it’s really funny. she cries over every little thing. she goes to our mother for help and comfort. she cries in her arms and says everything she wants to say. she doesn’t know what it feels like to be missing a voice. she doesn’t know what it feels like to not be able to go to anyone in tears whenever she’s sad.

mother might even call me emotional if i had gone to her all the times i cry alone. 

Wednesday, March 15, 2023 - how can i stop loving someone who will never love me back

i’ve been letting him into my dreams. i think about him every waking and sleeping moment. let me rest for even one day without thinking about him. what do i even love? what has he ever done for me? the little things make me happier than you can imagine. a sentence long response puts a smile over my frown. three or four make my entire day. 

all he’s ever done is remind me of how susceptible i can be to those who i love. i love him so much it hurts. and so does the knowledge that he will never reciprocate these feelings. i’ve transcended love. i need his affection. i feel endlessly hollow otherwise. i need to see him. i need to talk to him. he can’t keep appearing in my dreams. none of it is real in the end. i’ve never been more devastated to wake up.

Saturday, May 27, 2023 - i just can’t find someone who can heal me

how have the days passed so quickly already? two weeks ago i was still lamenting. one flip of the calendar and it’s june. next i know it’s july. will things be the same? things are moving so quickly i don’t have enough time to go and catch everything. so many competitions are coming up. my muscles feel weaker than ever because i’ve been sick for a week. exams are coming up. i’ve forgotten everything already. 

i remember how badly i wanted it to be june when it was january. six more months. i told myself that it was six more months. half a year. has it really been half a year since january? at this rate i’m going to become an adult before i know it. i’ve already grown as one. cooking and buying my own groceries make me feel so giddily responsible. my sister thinks i’m a kid. she thinks she’s so much older and responsible. she doesn’t know anything. her scrapes and scars have perfectly healed over because she’s always had someone to cry on. what about mine? they’re still bleeding. they’re covered in dirt and grime because of all the people who step over them. who is going to let me cry on their shoulder?

i wish he’d let me cry on his shoulder.

but if i were him i would hate that. of course he would hate that. anyone would hate that. i had an opportunity before. that time i managed to move myself to tears in front of him. if other people hadn’t been there i might’ve been able to scrounge a hug from him. or even a wrap around the shoulder. he gave me those light and fleeting head taps of his. it showed that he cared but didn’t know what to do. anything he would have done would have made everything alright. he doesn’t understand how in love i am with him. as if the hearts in my eyes could be more obvious. i’ve grown soft. and weak.

Tuesday, June 13, 2023 - they leave and they leave but i will always be here. they can always come back to me.

I never thought the day would come where I would be having this conversation. My best friend - the one person I thought I could rely on ended up pushing me away anyway. He said he still loved me and he said that his emotions for me had never changed. So why did he abandon me for her so quickly? I cry every time I think of it. We used to say that we were best friends. Two halves of a whole, emotional twins. I miss him, but not in the way one would expect. I miss my half. He's gone to look for another one. I have rarely ever felt such platonic emotional duress. I am constantly under the impression that those I hold dear to my heart will never leave. Now it feels like I've lost something I've loved for so long, even though he is there within arm's reach. How did it come to be like this? Why couldn't the three of us coexist? I love both of them so dearly. But clearly, I'm the odd one out. I'm the one that either of them would abandon for each other. The best course of action would be to remove myself from the equation. I just can't believe he would do it so unhesitantly. I don't believe that he hesitated, even for a moment. If she just said the word, he would do it. I just thought that what we had was deeper than that. In the end, it all comes down to me being discarded once my role as the therapist tool was served. I helped him through his tough times. I skipped meals and abandoned work for it. What do I get as payback? The loss of someone I used to call my best friend. He discarded me because I had helped him get what he wanted. They don't even do it intentionally. Because I'm so nonchalant, they think they can do whatever they want and I'll still be happy. I'm so sick of punching bathroom walls just so that my knuckles would bruise and someone would notice. No one ever notices when anything is wrong unless I make it obvious to them. I wanted to cry so bad on the first day of Nationals. I wanted to break that door and cry. I wanted him to notice that I wasn't okay, and I wanted him to come comfort me. I was hoping too much. I should've known that it would have turned out this way. If people treat me like nothing, why am I so desperate to prove that they are something?

All I want is a shoulder to cry on. All I want is for someone to undoubtedly be there for me. I genuinely thought that he would be the one I could always rely on, and I never expected that we would ever have that conversation. I miss him so. But he would choose her a thousand times over. In every universe, he would choose her. It would always be her. And I would understand. I wouldn't do it myself, but I would understand. I'm so tired of understanding. Why do I allow myself to validate the actions of others that harm me? I want for him to see me vulnerable. Not online, but in person. That's so incredibly selfish of me. He said he didn't know what to do. What I truly wanted him to do was compromise. Compromise with her and talk it out. I didn't want to be left behind. But of course he wouldn't think of that. Never in a million years would he think to approach her with an idea that could harm their relationship. I still can't believe he would throw me away so easily. He said that he wasn't going to forget me, he said that he wasn't going to throw me away. He said that we would be this close forever. Now he says that things have changed. I want things to go back to how they were. I'm so sick of feeling like this. I've shed too many tears over this situation. I can't keep talking to him about it because I'm sure he's tired of it. Sadness doesn't come in my friendship package. I'm supposed to accept anything and everything that comes my way, no matter how harmful. I pick up and move on. Why can't I move on from this? He means so much to me. I love him so much, more than I could ever love myself. And it's not even a shallow, romantic love. I cherish him like I cherish my own life. If our relationship strays so much from the way it was before, I would be fine if the car crashed on a rainy highway. Death would be better than an existence without him. It's difficult to think that I don't mean any of this romantically. He is truly like my other half. If I don't have him, I'm incomplete. I truly miss how things used to be. He used to tell me he loved me every time we said goodbye, and he would ask me how I was every day. We would finish each other's sentences. We would make plans together for just the two of us. Whatever happened to all that? Why am I still happy for the two of them if it causes me so much pain? I can't help but feel glad that neither of them are upset anymore. Their happiness is my happiness. My true emotions don't matter.

Wednesday, August 30, 2023 - i fell out of love (it happens)

there is truly no one to talk to anymore. i don’t know what to do before sleeping and my words aren’t coming out. it’s been a long couple of days

the moon is so bright tonight it looks like the sun

dark can make darker light